Mapping Our Way Out
"Change occurs when one becomes what they are, not when one tries to become what they are not" (3/5)
“Acceptance in this sense is just our capacity to take in the truth of the matter in a given moment, to the best of our cognitive ability, while resisting the unconscious temptation to bargain with reality. It is what it is. It’s our relationship to the truth, however well we may approach. Or, as Gandhi said: Truth is God. That’s the core principle of Acceptance.” - Hanzi Freinacht in Acceptance, not Tolerance, Is the Elixir of a Good Society
One of the fundamental principles of metamodernism is accepting reality as it is. Yet, for many of us, this proves challenging because genuine acceptance isn't something we achieve; it's something we surrender to. Because our personalities have developed to maintain a sense of consistency over time, we tend to integrate some aspects of reality that align with our perspective while rejecting others that do not. As a result, we often unconsciously grasp for the way we want things to be rather than yield to the way things actually are.
To embark on our journey toward acceptance, we must first acknowledge that we arrived at our resistance honestly because our personality essentially consists of a coping strategy for the profound loss we experienced early in our separation from union. Whether conscious of it or not, our sense of broken-heartedness manifests uniquely in each of us, necessitating a tailored approach to address our individual coping mechanisms for grief.
As mentioned in the previous two articles, the Enneagram offers us such a roadmap. By fostering acceptance we learn how to navigate the "temptation to bargain with reality.” We thereby grow into our responsibility or the ability to respond to what the moment is asking of us, which I believe is becoming increasingly necessary in our current historical moment. With this intention, I share my interpretation of the Enneagram and welcome any questions or inquiries you may have.
The Nine Fold Path toward Wholeness
“When we know everything is light, we are enlightened!” – Yogi Tea.
While enjoying my daily cup of lemon ginger tea, this quote reminds me of the tension inherent in our existence. We possess unique identities, experiences, and perspectives that shape who we are. However, we are also part of a unified and interconnected whole where we each play a vital role in shaping the world we share. This realization leads me to question: "What impedes our capacity to perceive reality accurately and respond appropriately?"
If you pay close attention, you may notice that you organize your life primarily around one aspect of existence: self-esteem/value, security/support, or autonomy/vulnerability. Likewise, you may observe a distinct emotional resonance to our experiences, accompanied by a consistent mental framework that reinforces these feelings. This psychological dynamic occurs because our personality aligns with a core fear, and our ego tries to overcome it through a "once and for all" solution which reflects a fundamental desire.
Because our ego-oriented strategy offers only a partial and limited solution, the degree to which we identify with it significantly impacts our ability to accept reality. For us to have the ability to respond appropriately to our environment, we must first come to terms with existential givens that include the constant flux and impermanence of life, our inherent aloneness, our unique way of making meaning, and most importantly, our innate ability to adapt our actions, thoughts, and emotions to suit the demands of each situation. In other words, true liberation involves redirecting our ego desires without rejecting the ego itself, as it serves as a pathway toward self-realization that is the ground from which we accept “what is.”
This is where the Enneagram proves invaluable. It elegantly illustrates how we can liberate ourselves from ego-based solutions and adopt approaches to living that recognize existential truths while simultaneously transcending them. The chart below outlines this nine-fold path toward wholeness.
However, before we delve in, let me point out that scientific research supports this framework. The New York Longitudinal Study, conducted by Stella Chess and Alexander Thomas at New York University, investigated how temperament developed in infants and children. Through systematic observation and analysis, Chess and Thomas identified nine vectors of human temperament, which closely correspond to the core points of the Enneagram. Hence, the Enneagram is not mere theory but is backed up by scientific evidence.
Please note: the following information is based, in part, on The Wisdom of the Enneagram by Riso and Hudson and Russ Hudson’s individual work, in addition to insights I have discovered in my own life and the lives of the people I work with.
Rejecting True Self
The prevailing feeling for the Self-Esteem triad is shame.
Point 2: Giver (the severed heart)
Basic Fear: Of being unwanted
Basic Desire: To be loved unconditionally
Self Realization: Self-care (their need is legitimate)
* We exist, therefore, we need and this primary phenomenon connects us all. *
Point 3: Achiever (the empty heart)
Basic Fear: Of being worthless
Basic Desire: To feel valuable and not disappoint others
Self Realization: Value is not dependent on other positive evaluation
* When we commit to life authentically, then we love without it needing to look good. *
Point 4: Individualist (the bleeding heart)
Basic Fear: Of having no identity
Basic Desire: To find themselves and their significance
Self Realization: Commonality (no more or less flawed)
* By developing self-support, self-sufficiency and ultimately, self-love, we grow the ability to recreate life in accordance to the ever-changing moment as opposed to “hanging on” - “Life just is” and so are we. *
Road to Accepting Authenticity
These points make up the Self-Esteem triad because people who live at points 2, 3 or 4 are invested in establishing their worth once and for all! The flaw in this ego strategy is that in reality worth is variable – it changes from moment to moment and from situation to situation. However, inherent value is a birthright – neither more nor less, from person to person. The question for these people needs to shift from “Am I of value?” to “What do I value?”. This question brings self-definition into focus rather than being other directed and it also overrides the ego’s desire by shifting into a mode that considers reality. Moving towards body sensations is another way to define ourselves because our sensations leaves little to room for argument. Life just is.
Thinking to Avoid Fear
The predominant feeling is for the Security triad is guilt.
Point 5: Observer (the desert heart)
Basic Fear: Of being helpless and overwhelmed by the other
Basic Desire: To be competent and understand the world around them
Self Realization: Differentiation allows for reunion
* When our relatedness is restored (the ability to receive another and give of ourselves), we feel more grounded and more comfortable in this inherently unpredictable world. *
Point 6: Loyalist (the fear-seized heart)
Basic Fear: Of being unable to survive on their own
Basic Desire: To find security and belonging somewhere
Self Realization: Support is created from moment to moment
* When we become aware of what is supporting us now and know how to increase it (confidence), we dare to assume the authorship of our lives (trust) and allow the consequences to unfold (faith). *
Point 7: Enthusiast (the hungry heart)
Basic Fear: Of deprivation and the assumed pain that goes with it
Basic Desire: To have needs fulfilled
Self Realization: Security is not based primarily on need gratification
* When we learn to relax our conditional drive towards pleasure (and open to the pain inherent in living in a concrete world), we allow for unconditional joy found in life as it is. *
Road to Accepting Uncertainty
These points make up the Security triad because people who live at points 5, 6, and 7 attempt to establish security once and for all! The vehicle for this solution is excessive thought. However, upon closer examination we see that just as value is recreated from moment to moment so is security. When we accept this existential truth, we realize that our security is rooted in organismic self-regulation, which not only consists of clear thinking, but good contact with our environment, full energy in our bodies, and mobility (our ability to move between the two in a productive way).
Going Against Flow
The most obvious feeling for the Instinctual triad is anger.
Point 8: Boss (the cold heart)
Basic Fear: Of being harmed or submitting to others
Basic Demand: To protect themselves and control their own life
Self Realization: The world affects us and we affect the world.
* When we soften to ourselves and others (empathy), that is, when our hearts are engaged, we become magnanimous. *
Point 9: Meditator (the shattered heart)
Basic Fear: Of loss or separation and impermanence
Basic Desire: To have inner stability and peace of mind
Self Realization: Participation in life is important
* When we contact life as it truly is, not as we imagine it to be, we differentiate and are then able to enter into life and extract from it what we need and be fulfilled. *
Point 1: Reformer (the grief stricken heart)
Basic Fear: Of being corrupt and defective
Basic Desire: To be good and right
Self Realization: Life is subjective
* When we accept our humanness (our irrational, instinctual nature), we open to the awareness of a deeper wisdom than our principles can provide and that this wisdom comes out of each moment, the wisdom of context. *
Road to Accepting Vulnerability
These points constitute the Instinctive triad because people who live at points 8, 9, and 1 want to solve, once and for all, the danger of life having its own way with us! They, therefore, resist the flow of life by prematurely taming it (or holding someone in check). They refuse full participation (9), demand full autonomy for themselves and others (8), and thereby, reduce life to what is manageable (1). However, when we relax our boundaries and allow life to affect us, we enter into a reality that is both all our own and shared by everyone else.
Let It Be
Gestalt therapist Jim Doak, author of “Coming to Life,” concludes:
“In each of the three triads we readily see that the base of neurotic suffering is fear. We are all afraid. Unprocessed pain lends itself to limited solutions. Confronting fears, ours and the fears of others, has the potential for true liberation.”
As we become aware of and subsequently release our ego-driven solutions, we are able to accept reality as it is and immerse ourselves more fully in the world. In turn, we experience greater aliveness and embrace the truest versions of ourselves. In the next article, we will explore how this very personal journey naturally gives way to a collective, transpersonal experience. Hope you will join me.